Kris-Mus in Kaamasmukka

Chapter One: The Mouse

‘Twas a dark and stormy night up in Kaamasmukka, but since this was the far north of Finland, I should probably be a little more specific: it was a dark and stormy Kris-Mus Eve in Kaamasmukka. Not that it mattered much to Tøni Smy-lëss. He was a 43-year-old lumberjack, living alone on the outskirts of what was already a very little town in a very remote region of the world. On this particular dark and stormy night, he sat in his bright yellow, fifteen-ton feller buncher machine and was felling and bunching trees just like every other night of the year. He liked it this way. Nice and quiet. Except for the roaring of the diesel engine behind him and the screaming of the saw blades, of course. The two big spotlights atop his cab lit the forest ahead of him, and together with the blue diesel smoke that the strong wind kept blowing in front, it created a nice and spooky atmosphere. Perfect, one would say, for some supernatural adventures…

Felling and bunching, bunching and felling, the sound of crashing trees just adding to the mix of storm and engine, our sober, down-to-earth Fin was perfectly happy, all alone in his dark little corner of the world. So, when a little spaceship the size of a basketball landed on top of his boom arm, he just thought “Wat heb ik dan nu aan mijn fiets hangen?” Which is Finnish for “Well, darn…” He pulled some levers, and the boom arm tilted gently down until the jaws of the beast lay on the ground. Now he knew for sure it was a spaceship, because a little door in the front of the ball opened and a tiny ramp slid out. The interior of the ball was lit, and a little puff of dramatic smoke bellowed out. Tøni looked on, squinting, leaning forward on the controls. And out came… Mighty Mouse! Oh, yeah!

The dapper little yellow-suited, red-caped mouse stepped out of his ship, onto the cold steel of the machine, stretched his little arm, and proclaimed, with a powerful, booming voice, “Here I come to save the DAAAYYY!” But because it was still blowing like hell, all Tøni saw was a blurry, yellow thingy opening wide and squeaking something. It then seemed to look around, then down, spotting Tøni sitting in his cabin. He flew down and knocked on the door. Tøni opened and the little mouse flew inside. He landed on the dash and said, “Well, it’s mighty cold out here in your world, mister!” in perfect English. And since our Tøni was NOT some clichéd foreigner speaking bad and broken English, he answered, “Yeah.”

“I must now”, continued the little mouse, “tell you of my evil plan! Because I’m NOT the good and friendly Mighty Mouse of your dimension! No! I’m the evil version from Earth 369! And I came to turn all your Twinkies into salted herring! Mwo-ha-ha!”

Tøni seemed unfazed. “So?” he said. “I like fish.”

A look of surprise on Evil Mighty Mouse’s little face. “You do?” he asked. “But what about your Twinkies? You do love those, don’t you? And you would be horrified and shaken to your core by the very thought of some strange creature appearing and saying he was going to change all of them? Wouldn’t you, you silly American?”

Tøni’s pale blue eyes rested on the little alien creature in front of him. When it landed, he had shut his engine off, so now the only sounds were those of the howling wind. Mighty Mouse looked at Tøni. Tøni looked back. “Well!? Are you going to say something?” the mouse finally yelled.

After another few moments had passed, Tøni said, “I think you landed on the wrong part of the planet, little mouse. You’re in Finland. We don’t particularly dislike Twinkies, as such, but we absolutely LOVE our herring, so…”

Now Mighty Mouse looked mighty confused. He checked a little bleeping gizmo on his arm while murmuring, “Did I enter the wrong coordinates? Must’ve been drunk again… Goddammit…” He punched in some keys, looked up at Tøni, and said, “My deepest apologies, good sir. I did indeed seem to land on the wrong part of your soon-to-be devastated world. I bid you good day!” And with that, he flew off, back to his ship. He entered the ball, the ramp slid in, the door snapped shut, and with a high-pitched ‘pruuu!’ it shot into the sky. Tøni watched it fly off, started his machine back up, and thought, “Yeah.”

Chapter Two: The Suit

An hour later a man came walking out of the woods. He was dressed in an Armani suit, perfectly tailored, with a pair of polished Berluti Oxford shoes gleaming under the spotlights, a Patek Philippe watch glinting on his wrist, a Hermès silk tie knotted impeccably, and his sleek, black hair slicked back to a glossy perfection. So, a little out of place, one might say… He just appeared out of nowhere into Tøni’s spotlights, strolling casually with his expensive shoes through the deep snow. Tøni saw him coming, and in calm anticipation turned, once again, his engine off. It’s going to be one of those nights, he thought. So much for the felling and bunching… 

The man walked straight up to Tøni’s cabin. Before he could knock, Tøni had already opened the door. “Yeah?” he asked, mildly annoyed. There were trees that needed felling. And bunching, too. “Dear sir,” the handsome stranger started. “My name is Reynard Owlenglass. I am a messenger from beyond, and I’m here to tell you that tonight, you’re going to encounter three extraordinary creatures. The first is a little mouse from a place called Earth 369. A mouse, yes, but don’t let his appearance fool…”

“Yeah, you know what?” said Tøni, interrupting. “You’re too late, mate. That mouse was already here. It yammered something about Twinkies and flew off. He thought he was in America.”

A very familiar look of surprise glanced across the stranger’s face. “Uh…” he stammered. “He was? And we’re not in… Well, shit.” The stranger stepped down from the track he had been standing on. He looked around, then down at his very expensive leather shoes slowly getting soaked by ice-cold meltwater. All of his flair and panache had suddenly vanished. Now he was just a strange man, totally out of place, not knowing what to say. He thought for a minute, then nodded, seemingly making his mind up about something. He looked up at Tøni and said “Well, alright, then! Tonight, you will meet two other extraordinary creatures! The first, or second, in fact, will be the great and almighty superhero Green Lantern! Yes! And the second, or third, will be Ryan Reynolds. Yes. What do you have to say to that, silly Finnish man?”

“Fine,” Tøni said. “Can I go back to felling trees now?”

“You, you are… Hm. Yes,” the stranger said. “But I must warn you!” he continued. “All three of them will try to convince you of something! And none must succeed, or the world as you know it will end! And not nicely! No! Probably much more in a horrible, fiery, people-are-screaming sort of way. So, it’s up to you to save us all, Finnish man! You hear me?”

“Yeah”, Tøni said. “I do. Bye.” He shut the door and started his machine back up. The stranger stood there for a moment, looking up at Tøni in utter bewilderment, then shook his head, turned around, and disappeared into the woods.

Chapter Three: Glowy

Exactly one hour later the sky suddenly turned bright green. Our unflappable Fin looked up for a second, thought, “Hm, nice, Northern Lights…” and turned his attention back to felling and bunching, bunching and felling. But it wasn’t! No! Had he looked up again, he probably would’ve noticed that instead of the gently flowing green curtains that normally make up this natural phenomenon, it changed into a giant green glowy grid, which then extended a handle… a humongous, intergalactic fly swatter! It swooshed frantically back and forth through the sky, and if one were to have excellent eyes, one could just make out a teensy little yellow and red speck flying very fast and squeaking, “You’ll never get me, copper!” for some reason. The giant fly swatter disappeared, and for a moment, all was calm. Then a green glowing figure, roughly the shape of a man, descended from the sky and kept hovering some ten feet off the ground in front of Tøni’s cabin. He sighed. Turned his engine off. Opened the door of his cab, stuck his head out, and said, “Yes…?”

“Apologies for disturbing you at this late hour, good sir, but my name is…”

“Let me guess”, Tøni said. “Is it Green Lantern, by any chance?”

That surprised look. “Yeah, but… How did you…”

“Yeah, your buddy, Leyland Owsenflowsel or something, he was here earlier, and he explained the whole thing, so… Can you get on with it? I have work to do…”

“Uh, yes, of course,” said Green Lantern, somewhat taken aback. “Well, good sir, it’s about the Twinkies, you see! They must stay! The sweetness in them is just… aahh!” and he made a little gesture with his fingers. “And that annoying little rodent wants to turn them all into that awful salted fish! Ugh! Who eats that? What kind of lowbrow, dim-witted Neanderthal of a human being would ever eat such a gross…” He noticed Tøni was looking at him. He didn’t say anything, but the look in those cold, pale blue eyes made Green Lantern stutter for a moment. “I mean, uhm… I should probably… I must kill that little rat! I hate him! Every green glowing fiber in my green glowing being wants to destroy him! I tried everything! I threw green glowing nuclear missiles at him! I dropped a ton of green glowing bricks on him! Nothing works! He’s too small and too fast…”

“Have you tried cheese?” Tøni said.

Green Lantern looked at him as if he were from another planet. “Cheese?”

“Yeah, cheese. He’s a mouse, so…”

Green Lantern snorted. “No, good sir, I have NOT tried cheese. He may look like a mouse, you see, but he isn’t, not really; he symbolizes…”

“Yeah, well, that’s all good and fine, but I have many more trees to fell and bunch, so…” Tøni reached down in his bag and took out his lunchbox. He opened it and took a cheese sandwich out of it. He unhooked the saw blades from the arm of the machine, got out, and placed the sandwich on the outer end of the arm. He got back in and raised the arm to his highest point.

“And now we wait,” he said.

Green Lantern looked at the sandwich, then at Tøni, then back at the sandwich. “If this works,” he said, “I’ll make you some nice, big, green glowing…”

“I’d rather you just leave,” Tøni said. “I have…”

“Yes! Felling and bunching! I know!”

“What is it with you folks and Twinkies and herring anyway, hm?” Tøni asked.

“It’s a cosmic thing,” Green Lantern said. “You wouldn’t understand. And what is with you and all that bunching and felling, hm? Don’t you have some Netflix to chill? Or whatever it is you monkeys do around here?”

“It’s a Finnish thing,” Tøni said. “You wouldn’t understand.”

“Right,” Green Lantern said. “If you just…” But right at that moment, wouldn’t you know it, there came Mighty Mouse swooping in, aimed directly at the cheese sandwich. He landed right next to it on the boom arm, and without so much as looking around, he dove straight in. “Goddamn!” he said, with his little mousy mouth full. “This is exactly what I needed! I was famished!” Tøni took out a sawed-off shotgun from behind his seat, aimed at the little mouse, and pulled the trigger. A microsecond later Mighty Mouse got obliterated by an ounce of buckshot. A spray of hot, intergalactic blood splashed onto Green Lantern’s face. “Jesus!” he said. He wiped the goo off his face and stared at Tøni. “What is wrong with you? Why on earth would you have such a weapon in your… Jesus!”

“Bears,” Tøni said.

“Your problem is now solved, yes? All the Twinkies are okay?” Tøni asked.

“Solved?” Green Lantern replied. “Yeah, you could call this ‘solved,’ I guess…”

“Right then!” Tøni said. “Could you, then…” and he made a little waving gesture with his hand.

“You’re really not a very nice person, you know that?” Green Lantern said.

Tøni shrugged. “Maybe it’s because I’m Finnish,” he said.

Green Lantern looked at him one last time, shook his head, and flew off into the big, black yonder.

Chapter Four: Reynolds 

Exactly seventeen seconds later a fizzing portal opened up in mid-air and dumped Ryan Reynolds in the snow before closing again. The actor, dressed in little more than a pink bathrobe and rubber flip-flops, smacked face down in the snow and lay there for a second. Then he got up, clawed the caked ice from his face, and started shivering immediately. ‘Twas 23 degrees below zero, after all. “Fuck!” he exclaimed. “What the fucking fuck… FUCK!” He looked up, saw Tøni sitting in his cabin, his lit, heated cabin, and made a little sprint for the door. Tøni hadn’t even bothered with restarting his engine. He just opened the door of his cab and let the trembling man in.

“Hi!” Reynolds said and stuck his hand out. Tøni shook it. “Tøni,” he said.

“I’m Ryan Reynolds!” said Ryan Reynolds, “and I’m sorry, man! I was just chilling at home making a deepfake porn of Celine Dion getting plowed by Bryan Adams when a portal opened up in my living room and Thanos walked in! And you know him, right? Never asking anything, just saying, ‘You need to go to Finland, to see a man about some Twinkies right now!’ and the snapping of the fingers, you know…? Big, purple asshole…”

He stopped talking for a second and looked at Tøni. The cabin was so small that he almost sat on Tøni’s lap. “Hi!” he said, again. Tøni didn’t answer. He just looked at Reynolds with his pale, blue gaze. “Right!” said Reynolds. “They’re both wrong! You need the salty AND the sweet, don’t you understand! You can’t have one without the other! You can only experience the world through opposites! Light and dark, black and white, salty and sweet… Yin and Yang! Do you understand me, Finnish man?”

“Yeah,” Tøni said. “I’m not an idiot. I read the Tao Te Ching when I was 15. Are you done?”

Reynolds looked at him. “Well, fuck!” he said. “Then what in the fuckest of fucking fucks am I doing here? I want to go home! There are many fake pornos to be made!” Now, if Tøni understood one thing, it was that some things just needed doing, whether it be fake pornos or felling and bunching, bunching and felling. He nodded and said, “Well, the next bus stop is a 400-mile walk south. Or…”

“Or what?” said Reynolds.

“Or I could give you a little jump with my machine,” Tøni said. “I’ve got 800 horsepower running under here. Should be plenty.” Reynolds’s face lit up with giddy glee. “That is an excellent plan!” he said. He stepped out of the cabin and walked towards the front of the machine, clamped both arms and legs around the end of the arm, and grinned at Tøni. “Go for it!” he said, trying to give Tøni a thumbs-up, but that almost resulted in him slipping backwards into the snow. He held on, though, and Tøni locked up the hydraulics, preventing the arm from moving, and started gunning the engine. The arm started shivering slightly, as if it was the string of a bow. “Are you ready?” Tøni asked. “Yeah, man!” Reynolds yelled over the roar of the engine. “Let’s do this! Cowabung…” And at that moment Tøni released the brake. The arm sprung up with such force that it launched Reynolds straight up in the sky, his last ‘..aaahhh!’ slowly diminishing, and high up in the sky he exploded into a million trillion brilliant sparkles, vaguely spelling the words “Hugh Jackman has an enormous schlong” across the zenith before petering out and turning the night sky back to its natural splendor again. And Tøni, looking up from his lonely little lit cabin amidst the vast and dark Finnish forests, thought, “Yeah.”