Another Top Ten? This time about dragon movies? Sure, why not? Since I’m feeling all festive, I thought, yeah, in this time of year when we tell each other all sorts of myths and legends about old men who seem to like young children a lot and mangy babies—I mean, babies born in mangers—get worshipped, dragon movies fit that mood nicely. And I promise to keep it nice and Christmassy this time… Enjoy! Once again…
Right! To start with, this. A 1983 Dutch animated movie that holds a special spot in this cold, barren place that was once my heart. The very first movie I ever saw in a theater! Birthday gift from Mom and Dad. Aww… It’s about Oliver B. Bommel, ‘a man of stature’, who finds a glowing egg containing a cute little dragon. Only this little dragon gets very big whenever he gets angry or excited, causing all sorts of trouble for the good lord. Not the very best of animation, I’ll admit, but cute all the way through. Find it here.
Pete’s Dragon
Now, of these, there are two: the 1977 original, where a real-life Pete plays against an animated dragon, and the 2016 remake, where a real-life Pete plays against an animated dragon.
The first is a Disney musical, so everyone acts like they’re continually high. Or psychotic. The remake is much more serious, trying to convince us that grown men could believe that big, green, fluffy dragons actually exist out there in the woods. So they go and catch it and strap him down on a flatbed. So… psychotic! Yes. These are two very psychotic movies. Thanks, Disney!
I like this one. It features Dennis Quaid as a disillusioned knight who swore to kill every last dragon on earth. When he finally finds the last one, it turns out to be Sean Connery. And who would want to kill him? Certainly not Dennis, no. So they bond and become friends. We also learn that Draco (yeah, I know…) has given half of his heart to some evil king to save his life as a boy, from before he was evil, and now they must kill him. Because we can’t have evil kings, leading the land! You understand that, America, no? Yes, you do… Also, Keyser Soze’s lawyer is in it.
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Smaug is certainly a smug a-hole. After having murdered a bunch of dwarves and chased the rest of them out of their mountain full of gold, he just lies there, doing nothing. Lazy bastard. Instead of doing more maiming and murdering… Until, finally, Bilbo shows up. And somehow outsmarts this creature that’s older than time. Right. The whole time that banter went on between those two, I kept hoping Smaug would just eat the little fucker. Keep it down to two far-too-long movies. But, alas, no such luck. Smaug!
Yeah, there’s a dragon in it! Right at the beginning, as Thor fights Surtur for his tiara. You know! Where he ‘busts out of those chains, knocks that tiara off his head, and stashes it away in Asgard’s vault’? Yeah, man. And then he flees with that big eyebrow chained to his back, and Surtur sends that awesome fire dragon after him. The thing is jet powered, for Christ’s sake! Thor only escapes by first dropping his hammer onto the lower jaw of the beast, pinning it to the ground, and then its head gets cut off by the Bifrost. Which then slides neatly across the floor of the Himinbjörg, Heimdall’s digs, while his dead eye rolls lazily backwards and his brain matter gets splattered all over some nice ladies. I love this movie.
Now, let’s get serious for a minute. No, really. Because what if dragons were actually real, hm? Out in this world of ours? What would happen? Well, Reign of Fire tries to answer that age-old question by sending Matthew McConaughey after them in a tank. Does Matthew actually use that tank to shoot at the dragons? No, he does not. Instead he opts to jump straight into the mouth of the biggest one, holding a big ol’ axe and looking damn cool, yes. And dying right the next second, also. With Christian Bale as well, and really cool, nasty dragons.
Ha! Didn’t see that coming, did ya! Yeah, he’s a dragon! A big little one, too! Single-handedly responsible for creating a whole genre of movies, this little Chinaman was, in fact, even a dragon according to the Chinese Zodiac! And he made a movie called ‘Enter the Dragon‘! And the movie about his life is called ‘Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story.’ So, dragons all around! And for those of you who disagree, go and tell Bruce Lee to his face that he might NOT, in fact, be an actual dragon… Yeah, that’s what I thought… Yellow!
Milla Jovovich plays an army captain (!) who, while patrolling the desert with her team, suddenly gets Wizard of Oz’ed out of there and ends up in a different dimension, where she has to fight big monsters with Tony Jaa. Directed by hubbie Paul W. S. Anderson, it’s all a bunch of silly nonsense, of course, but Milla is hot and the monsters look cool, so… Also, there’s a talking cat in it.
The One That Rules Them All. Nuclear-powered. As old as the Earth itself. As big as a mountain. Indestructible. Spawned an entire universe of movies, comics, video games, and action figures. Fought King Kong himself! AND Matthew Broderick! We can all but bow down in the presence of such splendor. You can eat me now, Gojira, my lord. Eat me!
Ha! Got you there again, didn’t I! This movie is not Christmassy at all! I have to admit, though, that when I started this list, I thought this was the one in which Ray Liotta gets fed part of his own brain. That would’ve been great, because then I could’ve made some joke about how brains resemble Christmas pudding… But alas, again, that’s ‘Hannibal,’ not this one. This is just your average serial killing malarky. Oh, well… Have your pudding, and eat it, too, I’d say! Merry Kris-Mus, everybody!
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