Festive time…! Ugh. I hate it. All that fake and forced happiness. Compulsory visits to relatives that like you just as much as you like them… Kids that go nuclear on sugar overload… No, thanks! So, for those of you out there that feel the same way about the holidays (or just want to see a really weird movie), I present my Top Ten I Hate Christmas Movies. Enjoy!
Leave it to the Japanese to make weird movies. One of the strangest I ever saw was this one. A businessman accidentally kills The Metal Fetishist, who gets his revenge by slowly turning the man into a grotesque hybrid of flesh and rusty metal, says IMDb, but you have to see it to believe it. Trust me. Leave the kids out of the room while you watch this. Or, if you really hate them, let them stay…
Yes! This one! Of course! No “I Hate Christmas”-movie Top Ten could do without it now, could it? No, it could not. A mad scientist kidnaps and mutilates a trio of tourists in order to reassemble them into a human centipede, created by stitching their mouths to each others’ rectums. (What? Yes, I’m copying IMDb’s loglines! Because what more than this do you need to know, hm? Mad scientist! Stitching their mouths to each others’ rectums! Human Centipede!)
3. Re-Animator
Herbert West uses Monster energy drink to create zombies! Who then turn violent and attack him! So that he then has to re-kill them with a bonesaw! Awesome! I’m using a lot of exclamation marks! But this is such a great movie! So scarf down those mashed potatoes and go see it! Right now!
4. They Live
It’s the lizard people! They’re here! They control everything! They live! It’s like every Trump voter’s worst nightmare come true! Alright, now I’ll stop with the shouting. It’s Christmas, for Christ’s sake! Oops. But yes, this is a really fun movie about an unlikely hero who found a magic pair of sunglasses that made him see ‘the truth’. And he came here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and he’s all out of bubblegum.
5. Saw Series
Yes, Jigsaw is one fucked-up human being, that’s for sure. And we sure all like to watch how he makes innocent people torture each other. Again and again. And again. And then one more time. And then—just when you think we’ve had enough—nope, we do it again. And again. What the fuck is wrong with us?
6. Videodrome
Or with David Cronenberg, for that matter? He made all kinds of weird and wonderful movies, such as The Fly and eXistenZ, yes, with a capital X and Z, and also this. James Woods plays a sleazy cable TV director, always looking for the next weird thing to satisfy his adult audience. He comes across a show called Videodrome and… well… it’s a little hard to explain, but then all sorts of weird shit start happening. I loved it!
7. The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension
Here I was thinking for a second that James Woods also played the lead role in this movie, but he’s not; it’s Peter Weller! They do look a little alike, though. Do they not? It’s not because I’m insane or something… Anyhow, Buckaroo! He’s a brain surgeon and a rock star and an all-around super guy who, with his band, The Hong Kong Cavaliers, must stop alien invaders! From the eighth dimension, yes. The fifth and sixth were busy invading Narnia, I guess. Buckaroo!
8. Heavy Metal
Well, this now. This is a Canadian adult animated science fantasy anthology film from 1981. Yes. A glowing green orb that embodies ultimate evil terrorizes a young girl with an anthology of bizarre and fantastic stories. Yes. That too, but… It has titties in it! And rock music! And flying Corvettes! And aliens! I’m doing the exclamation mark thing again, aren’t I… Sorry ’bout that. But I get so excited! I love this weird little movie… And you will too!
9. Killer Klowns from Outer Space
Aliens who look like clowns come from outer space and terrorize a small town. Need I say more? No, I don’t! My list, my rules! If you don’t like it, I’ll shoot popcorn at you! With a bazooka! What? These guys do… Killer clowns! From outer space! God, I love movies… Also, Titus is in it.
10. Jeanne Dielman, 23, quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles
Now, this… This is weird on a whole ‘nother level. Meet Jeanne Dielman. Yes, she lives at 23, quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles, presumably, and she is a housewife, living with her only son, in a small apartment in the year of our Lord 1975. This movie’s runtime is three hours and twenty-two minutes, I thank you, and most of that time we watch how Ms. Dielman goes about her business. We watch her peel potatoes. We watch her boil potatoes. We watch her clean her apartment. Eat with her son. Peel more potatoes. Play whore. Do groceries. This goes on for… well, for 3 hrs 22 mins. It’s mesmerizing. Hypnotizing. I will never unsee that bottle of Dreft. And then, at the very end, something happens. I won’t spoil it for you, because no one is going to see this movie, but it’s worth the wait. I promise. Honestly. Really. Three hours. Twenty-two minutes. Boiling. Peeling.
11. Eraserhead
From David Lynch, who made Mulholland Drive, Inland Empire, and Twin Peaks, among other things, comes this. Eraserhead. It’s about Henry Spencer, who tries to survive his industrial environment, his angry girlfriend, and the unbearable screams of his newborn mutant child, yes, but… No! I can’t! It’s too weird! You must see it! That baby! That horrible, horrible… THING! Thank you, David Lynch…
From director and writer Charlie Kaufman, and starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, who plays a theater director building a life-size replica of New York for what he believes will be his greatest work yet. But then, as with all the other movies on this list, strange things start to happen… He starts to lose himself more and more in his play, and the lines between reality and madness blur… Great, strange movie.
13. Stalker
A 1979 Soviet science fantasy film about a man who leads people to a forbidden zone that contains a room that grants wishes. Weird? Yes, very. Strange, also. And fascinating. And great! A cult classic.
14. Under the Skin
Scarlett Johansson plays an alien in Scotland who seduces men by being naked, and then she consumes them in some sort of liquid. Or something. Naked!
15.Martyrs
Last but very not least. Like Saw, this movie was part of that whole torture porn thing. It tells the story of some secret organization that kidnaps and then tortures young girls to extreme lengths because they believe if you hurt someone enough, they will tell you all the secrets of the universe. So they start peeling skin. All of it. I saw this movie only once. That was enough.
So, there you have it! My Top Fifteen I Hate Christmas Movies. May you have just as much fun watching as I had writing. Happy Holidays!
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