“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
My name is not Kobayashi, of course. That’s just some random word Kevin Spacey reads from the bottom of his coffee mug in the movie. My real name is not important. What is important is that I was, in fact, Mr. Soze’s lawyer. Past tense, yes. But we’ll get to that…
Mr. Soze was, as you probably can imagine, not your average client. I’ve worked exclusively for him for many a year, and I’d like to take some time now to debunk some of the myths that seem to be surrounding my former employer. You see, in the movie, he’s supposed to be this almighty and mysterious super crime lord, who no one ever saw or met. Born from the brutal murder, by his own hands, of his whole family. Yeah, right. Well, let me tell you what really happened that day. Mr. Soze did indeed come home to find his family held hostage by those Hungarian assholes. That much is true. But he didn’t shoot his own wife and kids! No, man… That’s just Hollywood mythmaking. I did.
Yes, I was there too that day. That little rat cowered behind my back while I shot everybody in the room. I then let him run with the story. I thought it might be useful one day…
I liked Gabriel Byrne as Keaton, I must say. He has one of those faces that when he looks at you angrily, you just want to kneel down and give him all your money, you know? I like that… He was, of course, much, much nicer than the real Keaton ever was, but I thought he did alright… The rest of the crew too, Del Toro, Baldwin, Pollak… all excellent choices. And Pete Postlethwaite, playing me! I was very pleased with that… I only wish he didn’t have that horrible last name, though…
That scene in the movie, where Pete walks into that elevator, and then those two huge bodyguards stand in front of him, so he’s only seen as this little head between two massive shoulders? I thought that was funny… And yeah, silently sneaking up to the ones you love and then holding the proverbial knife to their jugular is exactly what I would do in real life. I mean, what Mr. Soze would do. Yes. Him. Not me. I’m just a lawyer…
Now then, if I may, on to what I think is the single biggest flaw in an otherwise excellent movie: Arkosh Kovash. You know, that old burned-up Hungarian dude in the hospital? He and Verbal are the only ones that survived the mass shooting on the boat. Now, the whole movie, the entire story, revolves around that one living witness that could identify Mr. Soze, yes? He is on that boat too, and he must die. So Mr. Soze supposedly goes to all these extremely convoluted and complicated lengths to assemble a team to kill this man, and then, in the end, there is STILL one witness alive? And not only that, but this man can ALSO identify my client? Come on, Hollywood script people. That’s some sloppy writing, wouldn’t you agree?
But, without that, you wouldn’t have had this great movie. And that would be a darn shame, so I can live with that. What I can NOT live with, however, is ‘Mr. Soze’ making such a loud and expensive mess out of what should’ve been a quiet and simple operation. I can’t allow that. So I put a bullet in his eye.
My name is not Kobayashi, of course…
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