O-On a mountain, uh, dese things sometimes happen!
The unintentional hilarity begins early, as the opening scene cuts to some impossibly steep mountains. On a narrow ledge are two quivering oafs who look like they are dressed to emerge from a clown car at the Big Tent, rather than being mountaineers. Their companion from above falls to his death after some unseen horribleness relieves him of his head. Oh, and now the horror really commences. Not the horror, but the movie.
We then cut to a passenger car on a train headed to Trollenberg. In this car are the two Pilgrim sisters (I’ll nickname them Serious & Ditzy) who apparently have no idea why or where they are headed. Ditzy initiates her first swoon of many, and falls into the lap of Alan Brooks (Forrest Tucker), who is reading the comic section of a newspaper. They have no reservations for lodging, and are in a strange town (Again, they don’t know why), So…..They get in a strange vehicle with two strange men. They are transported to a hotel, where there are other, even stranger men just milling around. All the time, Anne Pilgrim (Janet Munro) is stumbling, swooning, having Deja-vu and being glassy-eyed, before swooning and fainting some more.
Now for some of the plot! Alan Brooks is actually a professor, a scientist, who was summoned by his associate Prof. Crevett (Warren Mitchell) to an observatory high in the mountains. They are there to supposedly study cosmic rays, but there have been numerous, unexplained (Things happen in the mountains, you know!) accidents involving mountain climbers. These climbers are supposed to be students, but like in Teen-Agers From Outer Space, these are the oldest students I’ve ever seen. They are fat, old men who smoke and have several drinks at the hotel bar before climbing, and with no apparent equipment and stupid looking knit caps. But, that is not important now. What is important is that there are weird things going on at the mountain! A malicious-looking, radioactive cloud is cloaking the peak! Oh My Goat, what could it be?
Anyway, back at the hotel, it seems that the two sisters are some sort of traveling psychic show, so they perform for all the men that they have never met, who are smoking and drinking in the hotel. I’ll tell you what. This movie is creepy as Hell, and we haven’t even got to the monsters. Of course, as the Ditzy Sister is ascertaining an unknown object, like Johnny Carson’s Carnack The Magnificent on the Tonight Show, she goes into a trance, swoons and passes out yet another time. This is after she has a vision about one of the “students” (not the fat one) wandering out of the shelter on the mountain.
O.K., that is it for the plot and spoilers. I simply cannot go on because I am just laughing too hard. This movie is available free on Fawesome TV, without commercials. For added lulz, turn on the closed captions, because the accents and diction are so very bad that it adds to the hilarity of this “horror” film. You will just have to watch this one for yourself. Well, all right then, I’ve changed my mind and I will continue…For science, of course.
And exactly what in the Hell is going on here?*
Anyway, after a frantic call from the shelter, which had a phone, running water and was totally furnished, we have a lamer than lame jump scare, as the cloud has moved back up the mountain! Something has happened to the one initially missing and the one obese mountain-climbing “student”, so a rescue party of not elderly and obese men (but still with goofy hats) must go up the mountain! [A few seconds later] The rescue party finds a big surprise in the shelter.
As headless bodies, not to mention zombies begin stacking up, we are treated to long and meaningless discussions between the two Professors as to who, what and why this is occurring. It has to be…Space Aliens! And, they must visit only the highest mountains, just because, so just deal with it. After subduing and sedating a violent zombie, who must be infected by the projected space aliens, they leave him alone and unattended in his room. What could possibly go wrong? He must kill the Ditzy Sister, because she is a psychic! You know how this is going to work out, don’t you?
Spoiler Alert Below!
Kill it with Fire!
*It’s a McGuffin! The Snowglobe!
2.0/10.0 With the Goatesians Rating of So Bad That It Is Hilariously Bad
Special Ruthless Ratings -or- What I Learned from The Crawling Eye:
- The famous line from the movie Predator, “Get to the choppa!” was probably inspired by this movie’s line, “Get to the cable car!”
- Mountain climbers in the Alps routinely drink and smoke cigarettes before starting the ascent of some of the world’s most dangerous mountains
- The number of times that Janet Munro fainted in this movie: 56
- The number of times I wished she would just remain unconscious: 56
Dumb Quotes and One-Liners:
- “*Was* there an accident, Mister Klein?”- Sarah Pilgrim
- “O-On a mountain, uh, dese things sometimes happen.”-Mayor Klein
- “Wait a minute…There is something coming!-1st Student
- “What is it, the Abominable Snowman?”-2nd Student [Both die horribly]
- “And then dere is da cloud.”- Prof. Crevett
- “What cloud?”-Alan Brooks
- “How about some fresh air?” -Laurence [Inviting Ditzy Anne outside of observatory after a napalm attack]
Leave a Reply