Did you know that your beloved Santa is actually based on a 4th-century bishop named St. Nicholas from the Greek city of Myra? He really is! We Dutch call him ‘Sinterklaas’, and we celebrate his Catholic feast day with gifts and sweets on December 6. In our version, he is an old man from Spain, somehow. He keeps nice and naughty lists of all the children, and once a year he comes to the Netherlands on a steamship. He delivers his gifts through the chimney, riding his white steed Amerigo, galloping across the rooftops. So, to sum up: 4th century, bishop, horse, Spain. Yes? Yes. And then you lot came along and turned him into a fat, jolly Ho-Ho-Joker on a sleigh who lives on the North Pole. Because, of course. I wonder if he knows Superman…
Any-hoo… There once was a man named Dick Maas. He was a Dutch film director, and he thought, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we took Sinterklaas, this old and friendly geezer who brings gifts for the wee ones, and turned him into a murdering, girl-slashing demon instead?” And you know what? He was right! And so came forth this film. It features a bunch of Dutch actors you never heard of, and it tells us that every time December 5 falls on a full moon, the murderous bishop and his band of undead helpers return to Amsterdam to wreak havoc. A teenager named Frank, who witnessed Nicholas’s brutality as a child, teams up with a young police officer after the ghostly Sinterklaas begins killing residents across the city. As chaos spreads and the authorities scramble, Frank becomes the unlikely key to stopping the supernatural slaughter before the night of terror ends.
Yes. Now, one should in no way take this little slice of Dutch cinema seriously as “horror-horror,” so to speak… It falls more into the jump-scare/how-many-sexy-girls-get-slaughtered category. But in that category, it delivers in spades! AND you get to see a demon Sinterklaas actually galloping across those rooftops while being chased by police cars! How cool is that? (What? No, the police cars were not also on the rooftops. That would’ve been awesome, yes. But this is a Dutch movie with a Dutch budget, so the cars drove on the streets instead. Lame…) Brought to you, as mentioned, by Dutch director Dick Maas, who gave us timeless classics like Amsterdamned and The Lift. And yes, that’s really his name. Sint is probably available on streaming services over there, in America-land, Mr. Editor, sir?
Of course Santa knows Superman. They live together over there, man! Didn’t you know that? Santa lived all alone and lonesome up there for many a decade, but ever since that strapping Kryptonian came crashing down in those tight blue tights, that icy Fortress of Solitude has been steamin’! What do you think? Two dudes, alone, not another human being for miles in any direction, and all the toys you could ever wish for… Believe me, someone lay broke on their back and got mounted! And it wasn’t our Suup! Ho-Ho-HO-doggie! Jingle those balls, all the WAY, please…
Ah, yes. It’s Christmas! And if they then make love, those two — sweet, gentle man-love — and if Suup then lovingly embraces Santa Bear, and if he then comes to a… well, if he then comes…
Does Santa then explode?
Merry Sinterklaas, Ruthless!
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