Oh, how the king falls
We humans are strange little monkeys, wouldn’t you agree? We crave strong leaders, yet we love nothing more than to watch them fall. And you could spin all sorts of fancy psychology on that, but in the end, it all comes down to childish pettiness: “Haha! See how the king falls!”
And Fidel, let’s be honest, he was an asshole. Making his people eat nothing but squid all day! Come on, man… You could at least throw the occasional raw mollusk in there, or something. No wonder they all wanted to come to America to steal our jobs and rape our women. I mean, pursue their own version of the American dream. Sorry. Little slip of the tongue there… Anyway! So, way back in the grand year that was 1980, Fidel thought, “You know what? I’m going to dump all the criminal trash I have on my island on Carter’s doorstep and call it… I don’t know… ‘family reunification,’ or some shit like that… Mwo-ha-ha! I’m so evil…” Enter… Tony!
Tony Montana is a political prisoner, from Koo-bah, and he wants his fucking human rights, now! He and his buddy Manny, who works in sanitation, leave Cuba together and end up in this horrible refugee camp under an overpass in Miami. After shivving some revolutionary dude, they get a green card and start working at a little diner. Here, Tony watches with disgust how all the rich people around him live their lives and thinks, “Fuck this! These hands should be picking gold off the streets!” He then starts selling the yayo to some Mexican psychos, who try to cut him in half with a chainsaw after first having shredded his partner into little red ribbons. God, I love this movie… He makes it out alive, with the money and the coke, and gets introduced to Frank, the resident kingpin. There he also meets the bony Hoover Elvira, who will eventually become his loving, caring wife. Frank screws him over, he kills Frank, and now Tony is kingpin! See how easy that is, kids? Just kill your local drug dealer, and all your dreams will come true!
Cue the montage! Bags full of money! A humongous White House as his (p)residence! Tigers! Cars! Tiger-cars! Push it to the limit, baby! And, also, Manny, who worked in sanitation, gets a crush on Tony’s hot little sister. Remember this, kids; it’s important for later…
Well, now he’s the boss man. King of the white, powdery hill. Lords of snorts. God of… everything, man! He even gets to meet Pablo! Yeah, man! That other white meat! They strike up a deal for delivering massive amounts of the good stuff to the fair people of the greater Florida region and celebrate it by throwing someone out of a helicopter. Cheers! To good business…
For now, all is well. Everybody’s very rich, very coked out, and things run smoothly for a while. But then, everything gets totally effed up. You see, Pablo wants to sell as much coke as humanly possible to every single person on the planet, and in order to do that, some communist crap-fest giving a lame anti-drug speech to the United Nations must die. Obviously. We can’t have that! We want our drugs! Die, fucker! Only, the thing is, our Tony, he may be this stone-cold psychopath who’ll put a bullet between your eyes just as easily as he says hello, but as it turns out, he does not like murdering women and children. Aww! Isn’t that sweet? So, when the creepy assassin who does like that wants to blow everyone to kingdom come, Tony puts a bullet between his eyes. Hello!
Uh-oh. That’s… That’s bad, Tony. I mean, really, really bad, man! Now, I know that you’re strung out to high heaven and back, but trust me when I say this: you do NOT want to mess with a man like Pablo, man! He will fuck you up! For real! Tony? You hear me, Tony!?
Tony did not hear me. And then, to top it all off, he found out that Manny is screwing little sissy. Oh, dear. Here comes Vulcano Tony. You can see it, you know. His eyes light up with this black, fiery rage, and you know: oh, yeah… here it comes… let it all out, man… And he shoots Manny right in the fucking face! BAM!
Can you believe it…! Yeah, I can! I just saw it, didn’t I? Right in his face, man… Did I mention he used to work in sanitation?
Back home, Tony gets all depressed as shit and dives headfirst into a pile of coke the size of Mount St. Helens. In the meantime, his mansion gets swamped with hordes of Pablo’s bad guys. Oh, no! Tony? Are you watching all the monitors you installed, Tony? Or are you focused on your sister, who suddenly walked into your office wearing nothing but a thin little nightgown that leaves very little to the imagination? And asks you if you want to fuck her? If that’s why you killed Manny? Tony? Do you want me, Tony? And then BAM! Some fucker shoots her dead.
I don’t quite remember if it was in the face, but hey, the results were the same, so, let us not nitpick, okay? The poor girl is dead.
Well, now. Where we saw Vulcano Tony earlier, now we’re going to see Super Mega Awesome Vulcano Tony. It’s like when you stick all your little transformers together to make one superbot! Tony takes out this totally rad Colt AR-15 equipped with an M203 grenade launcher and starts shooting the fuck out of every single fucker in sight. BAM! You want some? Come and get it! BAM! Take that! BAM, BAM!
Now, Tony, I know you can’t hear me anymore, but the human body does NOT survive getting shot with a gazillion bullets, man! Even if you’re coked out of your gourd! It doesn’t, Tony. It really doesn’t, man… So say goodbye now. Say goodbye to your little friend. It’s time to let go now. Let it all go, Tony. The world is yours, man…
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