Jules Verne provided us with the technology and the initial curiosity: “I wonder what’s out there? Let’s build a spaceship and find out!” Then came H. G. Wells, who discovered that once out there, we were not alone. “Oh, no! Space is full of things that want to eat us!” And finally, it was H. P. Lovecraft who said, “You people are so silly… There are creatures out there that are so big and old that we humans and all those man-eating beasties are mere fleas in the armpit of tentacle 14b.” Between them, they laid the basis for what we call science fiction. Aliens!
A.k.a. Gordon Shumway. Short, covered in brown fur. Friendly. Resident of the planet Melmac. Landed in the garage of the Tanner family in 1986 and stayed with them until 1990. Can withstand explosions at short range due to an unusually dense body. Has eight stomachs. Likes to microwave cats.
Came from space. Possibly: Godzilla’s nose. Landed in 1958 near Phoenixville, PA, and then again in 1988 near Arbeville, Colorado. Gooey reddish glob that just wants to devour everything in its path. Will eat you alive: avoid at all costs. Vulnerable to cold. Can be frozen to a point where it’s rendered inactive. When done so, dump in cold place, preferably one of the two Arctics. Note to self: when man-eating glob devours town, tell somebody. So, that when it lands again, 30 years later, no one has to die.
Lovecraft’s pet squid. Cosmic entity. Humongous. First discovered in an underwater city in the South Pacific in 1928. Has been described by its owner as “A monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and four feet, and long, narrow wings behind.” Became somewhat of an icon. Featured in South Park. Possible inspiration for Caribbean pirate Davy Jones.
Bad-ass intergalactic cop that came to kick names and take ass. Or the other way around. Or not! Equipped with the most powerful handgun in the universe: the Kruger Blaster. Too bad that on Earth he’s only 13 inches tall. That will not stop him, however, from shooting you in the face. Be warned: size matters.
Even shorter than ALF. Also friendly. Landed in California in 1982. Bald, wrinkly, possibly very old. Fits in a bicycle basket. Glowy finger. Goes well with children. Can be mistaken for a stuffed animal. When stressed, makes bicycles fly. Left the stove on. Must phone home.
Very slick-looking sci-fi flick, featuring Bruce Willis, Milla Jovovich, Gary Oldman, and Chris Tucker. Also: other people. Milla is at one point dressed in mere ribbons. Nice. Story revolves around an ancient evil force that returns to Earth every 5000 years to… well, to do bad things, supposedly. Wreak havoc. Eat people. Be rude. Things of that nature. Can be defeated by love. Lame.
World-eater. Giant A-hole. Came from the Sixth Cosmos, which was the one before this, apparently. Born from an egg. Appetite as big as his name. Likes to send out scouts he enslaved to check for yummy planets. Can build machinery out of dust in the air. Very powerful: best to avoid. It takes gaggles of superheroes to annoy him somewhat, so he might leave without hoovering up Earth.
Resistance is futile. You know that, Captain Picard. So, give in to it. Let yourself go. It’s all right now. All your troubles are over. You are part of us now. The Collective. The beehive. The ants nest. The flea colony. The Legion. For we are many.
Invasion of the Body Snatchers
Plant spores from space. Turn into big seed pods that produce people on Xanax. Landed in 1956 in Santa Mira, California, and again in 1978 in San Francisco. No lessons learned from the Blob incident, apparently. Can be defeated by Donald Sutherland and Jeff Goldblum.
Fat slob. Crime lord. Slave trader. Looks like the afterbirth from a snail on steroids that had sex with the corpse of a flattened toad. Hobbies: torture, murder, looking smug, and drooling over scantily clad young females of various species. Will eat the occasional underling. Reeks of rotten eggs. Avoid.
Killer Klowns (from Outer Space)
Clowns. That kill. From space. With popcorn. Delicious Movie Popcorn.
Obscure cross between an Earth girl and a blue space koala. The natural habitat of the human half of this breed is Hawaii, while the other half, also known as Experiment 626, was created by someone named Jumba Jookiba. I kid you (s)not. Originally designed to cause trouble throughout the universe, it was sadly Disneyfied into this cutesy humbug. Aloha, and such.
Little ant-like creature, wearing a Roman push broom helmet. Comes from… Mars. Yes. Very good. Can often be seen walking his canine K-9. Speaks technobabble in a nasal tone. Tried to destroy Earth on numerous occasions with the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator. Fails every time. Total loser. Has been described by funny Bunny (Bugs) as “a bowling ball wearing a spittoon.”
Neytiri (Tskaha Mo’at’ite, te)
Princess of the Na’vi clan, Omaticaya, Pandora. Blue in face. Tall in stature. Hard-boned. Has a spaghetti tail that allows her to connect with the spirit of Pandora. Very spacey. Planet contains floaty jellyfishy seeds, neon dragons, and glowy trees. Also lots of Unobtainium, which, sadly, they were unable to obtain.
Are we still an effective team? Sure we are, Tet. Eat my warhead. Tom Cruise discovers his one true love: more Tom Cruise. Also featuring Morgan Freeman as an alien/not alien and some of the most awesomest drones in movie history. “If we have souls, they are made of the love we share… undimmed by time and bound by death.” Barf.
Hunter. Hideous. Has the face of a crawdad that dreamt of being a warthog but settled for a trilobite. Likes to skin his victims. Preferably alive. Carries a shoulder-mounted laser gun. Tough to kill, but can be defeated by an Australian steroid addict. Or Topher Grace.
British professor, head of the British Experimental Rocket Group. Fights alien forces that threaten to eat humanity. So, basically, he’s an Avenger. His superpowers are being British to such an extent that any alien goes running for the galactic hills long before any sort of maiming and invading takes place. Wants to colonize the moon with Wernher von Braun.
Killer. Humanoid from the planet Fyra. Looks like Mr. Potato Head. Or Vin Diesel. Glowy eyes. Battles creepy crawlers in the pitch black and necrophiliacs in the blazing sun, all without breaking a sweat. Can smell a woman having her period. Wears welding goggles most of the time. Shaves his head with motor oil.
Alien allergic to his own planet. Good thing it exploded. Crash-landed in the Kents backyard in 1978. Likes to wear blue tights. Can see through clothing. Smoldering stare. Made of steel. Pretends to be a reporter. Loves loopy Lois. Instantly disappears when putting on glasses. Lives on the North Pole with Santa.
Thing. Probably from space. Assimilates, then imitates, other organisms. Ate some huskies and then people on Antarctica in 1982. Blood is allergic to electricity. Can be used to identify, then isolate, and, preferably, kill. Before it escapes and assimilates Keira Knightley. Can be defeated by Kurt Russell and some dynamite.
An exoanthropologist from the planet Mars. Builds time machines in his spare time. As old as one of Methuselah’s pubic hairs. Looks like one, too. Stranded on Earth in 1963 and rescued by Tim O’Hara. Who then named this Martian ‘Martin’. Give that man a medal, someone. A big one. Made out of pure Unobtainium.
Symbiotic black slime from the planet Klyntar. Needs a host to survive. Hence symbiotic. Likes Spidermans. Eats heads. Can take all sorts of shapes, but usually goes for big, mean, and hulky. Lots of teeth. Can be defeated by loud noises. And fire. Nobody likes fire. Especially not black space slime. Closest known relatives are Riot, Carnage, and Lasher. I guess Fluffy and Snowflake were already taken.
A Klingon defector, working for Starfleet onboard the USS Enterprise under Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Looks like an inside-out walnut with hair and a goatee. Wears a chainmail scarf. Likes to bring a Bat’leth to a phaser fight. Mild anger issues.
Nasty fuckers. Acid for blood. Likes to eat your face with little jaws inside bigger jaws. Fully documented in all life stages. That of the facehugger: newly hatched, they will jump onto your face, stick an elongated anus through your throat, and lay an egg in your stomach. Can be defeated by keeping on your space helmet. Or staying the fuck away from big, slimy, alien eggs. The chestburster: tends to do well at parties. After that, it grows into this big, ugly, Sigourney Weaver-chomping nightmare. Avoid? Yes. Very.
Small, green, looking like a pumpkin with eyes and white hair, living on the swamp planet Dagobah. Had a stroke that made him talk funny. Can make spaceships fly. Teaches Luke the way of the Force. Not to be underestimated: will royally kick your ass. Died at the ripe old age of 900.
Member of the extraterrestrial Irken species and the Irken Empire from the planet Irk. Has been known to be irksome. But only slightly. Wants to conquer the universe. An outcast due to being delusional, very short, overzealous, egocentric, and megalomaniacal. Remind you of anyone?
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