“Eurotrip”
Greenland 2: Migration is a great example of a sequel whose existence raises a few eyebrows. Its predecessor, Greenland, was a Covid-era film, released in December 2020. It grossed just $52.3 million on a $35 million budget, numbers which usually mean the movie lost money. However, the film did well once released to streaming services, with some estimates claiming as high as $80 million in profits.
Defenders of the film would point to both of those numbers as evidence that the film would have fared far better at the box office in the before times. But the opposite argument can be made as well – with far fewer movies released at that time, people still didn’t go see it in theaters and only watched it on streaming for lack of other options (and literally none of my friends or colleagues had even heard of Greenland). In the name of science, STX Films decided to spend $90 million on a sequel order to find out who was right.
In case you don’t remember – or didn’t read – my review of Greenland, one might say I was a bit down on it. If you did read my review, you might say I thought it was a close cousin of Mr. Hanky, the Christmas poo. So you can guess what my expectations of a sequel were.
Greenland 2 picks up five years after comet Clarke smashed into the Earth. Even though the end of the first film showed people leaving the bunker after just nine months and declaring the atmosphere to be clearing up, John Garrity (Gerard Butler) and his fellow survivors are still hunkered down in the Greenland bunker five years later. In a long, long voice-over narration, John hilariously explains that more chunks of the comet unexpectedly crashed into the planet. Or he said, “hit us completely by surprise” or “came out of nowhere” or something very similar to that affect. It’s hard to remember because my friend and I were laughing at hearing this nonsense spoken out loud.
But it also kind of makes sense that they were surprised…they’re stupid. After John finally shuts up, we see him exploring a beached destroyer while being assured on his radio that a nearby storm won’t hit him. Just a couple of minutes later, he’s frantically told to “get out of there! The storm changed direction and it’s going to hit you now!” Is radar really that confusing?
If you think I’m being harsh, hold that thought. A couple of scenes later, earthquakes hit the bunker causing everyone to flee. Is there an evacuation plan? Of course not. Is there a contingency plan in case this very thing happens? Of course not. This is the same military/government from the first film that didn’t tell any of the vital-for-rebuilding-society humans about the Greenland bunker plan until the apocalypse was literally happening. Why would we ever think even one of them thought, “hey, what if disaster struck the bunker?” And, yes, of course we were laughing at this.
From there until the end of the movie, the film’s entire purpose becomes to kill off as much of the population of the bunker as possible. Tsunamis, radiation storms, comet fragments, gusts of winds, ladders, insurgents. Everything is trying to kill John and crew as they make their way to the Clarke impact crater. If you aren’t laughing at at least one of those things, you’re watching a different movie than we were.
Accompanying John are his wife Allison (Morena Baccarin), son Nathan (Roman Griffin Davis), and other people who are barely given names, let alone any kind of character development. They are heading to the crater because Allison and a soon-to-be-deceased travelling companion have theorized that the crater’s walls science-magically protect the inside of the crater from everything ravaging the rest of the Earth. That includes homicidal ladders.
All I could think about once they revealed their plan was The Land Before Time. Littlefoot and his group of misfits had to cross an apocalyptic Earth to reach idyllic safety and nourishment. I almost screamed out “The Great Valley!!” when the surviving humans stood on a cliff overlooking a lush and thriving crater floor, complete with blue skies and farmland.
In case you are confused, Greenland 2 is in no way a comedy. It takes itself completely seriously, insisting that we should too. But come on. It doubles down on a bunch of insultingly dumb pseudoscience. It goes out of its way to remind Nathan to grab some insulin for his diabetes as they flee the bunker, then never mentions it again. It directs John to stop for a picnic in the middle of an area that everyone in the film says is extremely dangerous and crawling with insurgents. And it demands we feel sympathy for the Garritys almost exclusively by giving John cancer from all the radiation. At no point did I ever take this movie seriously. And, yes, spending $90 million on this film also made me laugh.
Rating: Ask for all your money back and watch out for those dastardly ladders. Sometimes they come out of nowhere.
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