Have you ever watched a movie and wondered, “What would this character vape if they lived in our ridiculous modern hellscape?” No? Well, that’s probably because you have a life. I, on the other hand, don’t, which is why I made this cursed list.
So sit back, take a drag (preferably from something not garbage), and enjoy this entirely unnecessary breakdown of what your favourite film heroes (or villains) would be puffing on, flavours, devices, and a whole lot of judgment included. And if you ever need to upgrade your setup, maybe visit yocan and pretend you have your life together.
John Wick – Gunpowder Menthol on a Hayati Pro Max Plus
John doesn’t mess with disposables. He vapes like he kills, clean, efficient, and with just a hint of PTSD.
Gunpowder Menthol is exactly what it sounds like: sharp, cold, and probably illegal in five countries. He’s not repping a plastic pen from a gas station. He’s got a Hayati Pro Max Plus, full charge, minimal flash, no drama. Just pure vengeance vapour.
And if you’re the kind of person hitting a peach-flavoured stick while talking through a Marvel movie… John Wick would like a word. In Russian. While reloading Prime Nicotine Pouches
Tony Stark – Custom Tech-Mod with Billionaire’s Breath
Tony vapes, but not like the rest of us mere mortals. His rig is probably connected to his watch, his Tesla, and 17 satellites. It charges in 4 seconds and refills itself with “flavour molecules” that don’t even exist yet.
What’s he vaping? “Billionaire’s Breath.” Tastes like scotch, regret, and 2008.
He doesn’t need to Google a vape shop online; he probably owns five. And sold one to Elon by accident.
Joker – Chaos Custard in a Leaky Pod Kit He Found in a Dumpster
You think Joker cares about flavours? About coil life? About logic?
He’s vaping Chaos Custard, some foul, warm, vanilla-adjacent fluid that may or may not be expired. The device? An ancient, cracked pod kit duct-taped together with rage and eyeliner. He got it from a clown-themed corner of the dark web. And he’s loving every unregulated second of it.
Dom Toretto – Diesel Punch on a Tank Mod That Runs on Family
Dom’s vape hits harder than a quarter-mile burnout.
Diesel Punch is straight up motor oil, adrenaline, and barbecue sauce. His setup looks like a NOS canister with a mouthpiece. You don’t hit it — it hits you.
And yes, he buys pod kits in bulk. Because when one cousin needs a fix at the BBQ, Dom’s got a backup. Probably from a vape shop online that delivers faster than he drives.
Gandalf – Mystic Mint from the Vault of the Elves
You thought that was pipe smoke? Wrong. Gandalf’s rocking a limited-edition, wood-carved, rune-inscribed pod kit, filled with Mystic Mint — an herbal flavour from an extinct forest that no longer exists thanks to corporate deforestation.
He doesn’t vape because he’s addicted. He vapes because the world is exhausting and hobbits are loud.
Patrick Bateman – Blood Orange Nicotine Salt from Hell’s Waiting Room
Bateman’s vape is all angles, all chrome. No curves. No comfort. It’s probably sharper than your personality. He vapes Blood Orange because it’s cold, bitter, and pretends to be refreshing, just like him.
He doesn’t ask for help. He screams at interns about his pod kits being “subpar” and fires his assistant for ordering the wrong nicotine level. He keeps backups in a locked drawer next to his bone-white business cards.
Batman – Batberry Ice in a Cloaked High-Cap Pod
Bruce doesn’t want anyone to know he vapes. That’s why his device looks like a grappling hook and only works in stealth mode. He’s got a stockpile of pod kits tucked away in the Batcave — all encrypted, fingerprint-locked, and probably laced with caffeine and self-loathing.
Batberry Ice is dark, brooding, and tastes like unresolved trauma, just how he likes it.
So… What Does Yours Say About You?
If your vape of choice is “Unicorn Bubble Pop” and your device lights up like a carnival ride, you’re not a protagonist. You’re comic relief. And probably banned from at least one bowling alley.
Real legends aren’t afraid to hit something bold, something strong, stylish, and not held together by dreams and hot glue. Something like the Hayati Pro Max Plus. If you’re still scavenging from sketchy gas stations, maybe check out a decent vape shop online for once in your life.
Final Puff
We’re all just characters in a collapsing timeline, trying to find a hit that actually feels like something. So pick your flavour, pick your fighter, and for the love of cinema, stop vaping watermelon blast out of a pink plastic crayon. Be better. Be Wick.
Or at the very least, don’t be Jared Leto’s Joker.
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